The Hex has been lifted.

Friday, November 29, 2024

We all move on from things, and it often feels like a good move, it feels liberating and enchiching. I have had a lot of that feeling of liberty recently has I have been doing a very utilitarian decluttering of my home. Moving on from an online persona, however,  feels like a death, more than a purge. I have been known socially as ‘Hex’ since college, when the movie Hackers was the greatest thing my friends and I had ever seen and we were all very edgy witchcraft obsessed teens. In part the movie ‘The Craft’ is likey as responsible as ‘Hackers’ was, for the cyber-gothic ’90s brew we had fermented into.

I have vivid memories of being a teenager, sitting alone at night screwing with under-powered computers, playing Quake and listening to talk shows, on the actual radio. Whether or not I would hold these moments in my memory so lovingly if I had been more of a social critter, I don’t know. As it is, however, when I think of how I became the man I am today, it’s the combination of tinkering, thinking and desperately wanting to be as cool as Dade Murphy which forged me.

Later when I had my own house, I had been Hex for years. But I had taken a break from the internet, due to having a gown-up life. Those early adult years were hard and after a few false starts I was ready to return to my online life. Finally with the daughter sleeping through the night and enough money to pay the important bills, bills which included, fabulously, my first aDSL internet connection, I was back.

The BT Voyager 100 arrived in an unassuming brown box. I plugged it in to my cobbled together computer which was sat against the wall on a coffee table, as I didn’t have a desk. After poking at it for a few minutes I got the lights to flash a promising, healthy, green. I realised I would need a new email address. I knew I was ‘Hex’ but sadly that hotmail account was long since taken. I Looked at the little box on my coffee-desk and in that moment HexDSL was given life.

The bricks that made him, made me, filled in over the next few years. Hex liked to believe he was a free thinker while scooping up conspiracy blogs like they were pop-tarts. He also loved 80s movies and never actually stopped playing Quake

He was never very good at video games, he wasn’t able to think freely from his conspiracy laden RSS feed and he had thought ‘A New Hope’ was the best Star Wars movie. Which all proved that he was an idiot. I would like to point out that we are all idiots in our twenties, so please don’t judge him too harshly.

The years rolled by, and the baby turned into a teenager, the wife turned into ‘the ex’ and the coffee-desk turned into a home office with more technology than a Borg cube after a fresh assimilation mission. I loved Linux, I loved comic books and I loved ’80s movies… I guess that one stuck for a lot longer than some of the others.

By this time I was pretty sure that ‘Empire’ was the best Star Wars movie and my distro of choice was Arch. I took these opinions and insights along with me when I started my YouTube channel. I was under qualified to make a technology channel and not skilled enough to be a gaming channel. I talked about comic books for a bit, before I started asking the question, ‘does this run on Linux?’

The next few years were spent certain that Linux was the future, everyone would be better off leaving Windows behind and actually, the prequel trilogy was criminally underrated.

The final form of HexDSL thought Debian was the best distro. He thought Star Wars was mostly crap and was happy to book a day off work to play Stellaris with his friends and then talk about it on his YouTube based podcast.

Then one day, HexDSL died and he didn’t notice.

I started writing, and as I did, I realised that I needed a Windows computer to do that without any barriers. I started talking about things I had read rather than things I had played and I was pretty sure that Casablanca was actually far better than Star Wars.

The next two years rolled by as the corpse of HexDSL rotted away.

I didn’t care for YouTube anymore because the more talked about writing, writing-tools and systems, the more the HexDSL viewers complained. Sure, I picked up a few writing hungry viewers and even some people who wanted to know my thoughts about plot structure. But, most of them kept ‘subscribed’ for one simple reason – people rarely clear out their YouTube subscriptions list.

I got one particular comment, by email, if I recall, which was softly complaining about how I had changed and I think that was when I actually realised that HexDSL was dead. It was his funeral emotionally speaking.

I spent the next few months wearing his corpse.

I wanted to honor the persona of HexDSL, so I kept going longer than I should. I once told someone that I used to be HexDSL and it rang true in ways I didn’t expect.

I had known the term ‘Dandelion-Utilitarian’ was rolling around in my head for months. I had used it repeatedly in conversation and as a temporary discord name. I liked it and the images it conjured up. I really am quite utilitarian but anyone who has read this far into one of my posts also knows that I am something of a literary dandy. It fit well but I hadn’t realised it was more than an amusing nugget I liked.

Wing, my good friend, and Trendy Talk co-host, created a micro blogging platform called Void and as part of some friendly banter one of my other friends set-up his account in the name of HexDSL. He impersonated me for a few amusing posts and then offered to hand over the name to me.

I was surprised myself when didn’t care. It wasn’t that I had no attachment to the name, it was actually a relief to not be forced into that particular corpses clothes.

On Void I had picked up the quill and hat of the Dandelion and I liked it. I was Happy not being HexDSL. Dandy didn’t have any self imposed expectations. He didn’t have an agenda, image or opinion on things. He was just me.

A few more months rolled on. I had almost entirely stopped playing video games even socially and was happy plugging away at some project or another while my friends played games and we hung out in discord voice chats.

A few weeks ago now I decided it was time to stop pretending to be HexDSL. Hex liked games, and movies and tinkering with things. Dandelion likes writing, thinking and cares about his Kindle for more than his movie collection.

At some point I turned into someone else and because I had been dragging the corpse of my old self around the internet with me, I was starting to resent him. The truth is I cherish my time as HexDSL. I reflect on all the people he allowed me to meet, all the things he taught me and all the late nights fiddling with code.

I can no longer fulfill the implied promises HexDSL made to the people he touched through is videos, discord rambles and Steam library adventures. I have now filled in his grave and all but killed the HexDSL persona/brand and mission.

Who is Dandelion, thats the question which I now need to answer for myself. I know the following things about him.

He likes books about theology, adventure, detectives, and thinks perhaps he judged fantasy novels too harshly.

He has seen enough eighties movies and doesn’t think Star Wars is very good. His favorite movies are Mean Girls and Casablanca but he refuses to acknowledge the irony of that in the way HexDSL used to.

He likes to keep his desk, office and life as simple as it can be. He has a laptop on a desk. not an RGB gaming powerhouse.

He doesn’t care about the expectations that people place upon him. He is no longer seeing approval from strangers.

He likes to write his novels, stories and articles. But, where HexDSL asked you things and warned you that he was going to ramble. Dandy tells you things about himself, and the things he has noticed. he is aware that you are free to stop reading. He really doesn’t mind.

HexDSL dreamed of ‘making it’ in some way. He wanted to be a writer, a YouTuber. He wanted to be someone. Dandelion wants to enjoy life, and plans on retiring into a van with a small dog, he will fill his days writing, drawing and reading. He hopes he can meet some nice people along his travels.

Drawing, writing and sitting in the garden with his Dog are things that HexDSL did too, but Dandelion basks in them, enjoying the small things. He isn’t waiting for anything anymore.

All those people who are mad that HexDSL isn’t making gaming videos should move on now that I have made clear that HexDSL is over, dead, expired. They are welcome to stay if they care about the things I do now. I hope they do.

Up to this point this article is over 1600 words long. All these words are probably the least utilitarian way of saying this…

Hello,

It’s nice to meet you. 

Call me Dandy.